3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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