He asked to "fluff my boner.."
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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