if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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