Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
