I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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