shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
