i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
