i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
