Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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