if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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