i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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