The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
