She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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