My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
