I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
