I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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