i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
