I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
