if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
