This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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