let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
