I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
