if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
