I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
