Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
