Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
