Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
