Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
