my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
