why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
