8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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