It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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