She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
