I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
