ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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