you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
