these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
