Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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