I hate your face
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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