I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
