i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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