just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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