The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
