I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
