hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
