I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
