So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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