i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
