So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
