I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
