remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
being pregnant is like rehab
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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